The Two DBs: Douche Bags & Deal Breakers.

So… I’ve been mulling over this for a while now and thought, maybe I should just put it out there into the universe. I’m sorry if I offend anyone… but to each his/her own right? These are my own personal reflections on what I believe makes a guy a douche bag… and therefore, is a deal breaker in my book.

I thought I would begin with a definition of a douche bag: an individual who has an over inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low intelligence level, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.

SO here is my list of all things considered douche bag:


-Wears a too tight, pastel polo shirt with a “popped” collar. Don’t get me wrong… I like a collared shirt, but if you have poppage going on… that’s a sure sign of a DB.

-Wears a “graphic T” that states something about preferring blondes to brunettes, or a sentence that begins with “my other girlfriend…”

-Looks as though he spends more time on his head of hair than I do. I mean, I would almost rather see “I- just-rolled-outta-bed” hair than hair maticulously placed with so much gel in it that it appears wet hours after his actual shower… or walk in the rain.

-Frosted tips in overly-styled hair. “Au Natural” is always the correct option.

-Baseball hat with the stickers still on or under the lid. What is with this unsightly fad? Who cares what size your hat is? Take off the silver sticker… now…. I digress.

Profile: (This section is for those DB’s who choose to have internet accounts on facebook/myspace/any thing really).

-Background on myspace has a photo of a sportscar or half naked girl… or both. Way to be classy!

-TyPiNg LiKe ThIs… really? Are you having a seizure? And more over, exactly how long does it take you to complete a sentence?

-Using 2 rather than “to/two/too” or “ur”, “u”, etc. I think you get the picture. One thing that has always miffed me about these shortcuts is the fact they’re not really that short. “You” has exactly two more letters than “u”… take the time boys, try to look intelligent.

-The mirror picture. This seems to be a staple on boy’s myspace profiles all around the world. Get someone to take the picture of you, please.

-The big money photo. This is usually a boy with a “mean muggin” face expression holding up what he considers to be a significant amount of money. Cool…

-Peace sign/various other hand motion photo. The one I’ve been noticing more and more lately is the “shocker” hand motion photos. Is that really necessary? And is that how you want to come across to others? Like a complete idiot?


-A low riding car… usually a hatch back in some hideous color. With a huge sound system.

-A “crotch rocket”… or motorcycle. I’m not a fan. I’m sure someone is… but with the gas prices lately these seem to be coming out of the wood-work. I wish they wouldn’t.

NOW, lets move onto things I find completely un-douche bag and VERY attractive.

-A good sense of humor, which is made apparent in your writing/profile/every day conversation.

-An outdoorsy type.

-A guy with an actual opinion of what they consider good music, literature, hobbies, etc.


Onto a different note…

And, since we’re on the subject of DB’s…. There is this guy in my area who I would consider a douche bag.  But may have more mental problems than I had first assessed.  He works out at my gym (give him props, he has lost about 100 lbs.– or so he claims).  He’s ALWAYS wearing a popped-collar polo, even when working out at the gym.

He seems like the average DB… but then one day I was on myspace… going from profile to profile- being judgmental (I know I’m horrible) when I randomly found his. I immediately recognized him and had to look at his profile.  His profile name was something like “suck my cock” and his profile stated he was merely there to find a long term relationship with a girl that will ultimately be fat and uglier than him to make him feel better about himself. I’m not kidding you! His profile really said this. So I was originally thinking wow, this guy is a DB with a seriously wack sense of humor. But no– I think he was serious. Mainly because he posts frequently on the MFW section of Olympia Craigslist stating the SAME thing. He also talks about how he has a lot more weight to lose before he can start dating girls because he’s so fat and ugly. This guy is crazy!

His myspace profile has like 30 photos (all taken on the same day, mind you) of up close photos showing his “baby blues” and newly founded abs.


Overall, I have some simple things to keep in mind for those of you on the douche bag fence. Often times… you’re really not as cool as you think you are, and over compensating in ridiculous attire and photos will not help your image.  It will only make you appear as un-genuine and therefore, douche bag-ish. So please, be real.


19 thoughts on “The Two DBs: Douche Bags & Deal Breakers.

  1. emilie18 says:

    I slightly disagree.

    Popped collars can be ridiculous, douche baggy, and fruity…but I think there are non DB’s out there that can rock slightly popped collars. I’m not talking about up to the neck “Hi I’m plastic” collars, but I def think that some guys have both the personalities and the structures to pass off slightly popped. These guys are few and far between, but I do believe they exist.

    I also, personally, am a fan of keyboard shortcuts. Not the “gangsta” spelling and such, but I don’t mind things like ‘u’ instead of ‘you’.

    I agree with practically everything else, though.

  2. cmajor7 says:

    I don’t know how younger women can exist in the DB-heavy environment. Once the “gangsta” stuff filters down among the masses, the results are pretty disgusting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s