“I’ve lost a guy- and I don’t know why.”
There is nothing special about the movie “How to lose a guy in ten days”, however, this quote from the movie resonates in me.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how my life would be different if I would have taken different paths. In my short life, I’ve only had a few of what I would consider “serious” relationships. Of course they were nothing like a married couple or anything, but my life would be different if I were still with these guys.
The first of which I dated off and on for most of my high school career. To this day I’m not sure why I broke up with him so many times, then continued to get back together with him… because I hadn’t hurt him enough I suppose? He was so different from everyone else, he was extremely funny. He was the kind of person that people either loved or hated. I think I thought having a boyfriend during high school was necessary, so as awful as this sounds… I kept him around because I thought it was how things were supposed to be. The truth was, we were really just good friends with the title of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. Sometimes I think he is still in this mind-set… or will always be in the mind-set that having a girlfriend is a necessity. Each time we would go on “break” he would end up seeing another girl, which would drive me crazy and we’d end up “together” once again. Of course I don’t regret this relationship what so ever. He was my first “real” boyfriend, and we had a lot of good times together. To this day we’re still friends, and he still makes me laugh. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t broken up… would I have gone to a different school? I’ve never been one to condone choosing life decisions based off of high school relationships. I even have difficulties allowing adults to make decisions based off of significant others. Maybe this is where my immaturity from relationships roots from… my inability to be completely self-less and considerate of the other person’s plans and feelings.
My next relationship was definitely more “serious” than my first. It was my senior year. Life was changing and we were all feeling the strain of graduation around the corner. The thing about this boy was I had always liked him. We had been in the same classes since what seemed like forever, and I had always thought of him as the bees knees. (haha for old school lingo). He was intelligent, attractive, tall, funny, and just all around a great person. I still think of him in this way. I love(d) his family so much, especially his dad. They were always so fun and welcoming, spending time with them was always great. We spent many a day walking/hiking around his house. Everything about the relationship was free-spirited. Then came time to choose schools. I knew I wanted to go to WSU, in fact, it was the only school I applied to. He, on the other hand, was brilliant and every school wanted him. In the end, he applied to around three or four schools- I can’t quite remember. I remember when he decided to go to WSU, I was so excited. Then people started telling me he chose WSU because of me, and me only. I knew this wasn’t true, he told me his decision had nothing to do with me, however, I couldn’t help but let this weigh on me. Suddenly I was afraid of being the person that others based their decisions off of. What if he was completely unhappy at WSU? I couldn’t deal with the weight of that problem. So sadly, this relationship came to a semi-bitter end. To this day, we barely talk… and oddly enough I never see him on campus. I find myself wondering all the time what it would be like if I hadn’t freaked out and instead stuck it out.
But the truth of the matter is… I can’t take back time, and I can’t spend time regretting what I’ve done. As much as I’ve hurt these two boys, there will always be a part of them with me, and hopefully, I with them.
Who knows what the future holds for me in the love department, but I am looking forward to having someone new to day dream about possibilities with.