“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”- Audrey Hepburn.
I think this quote is one that everyone can relate to. I’ve always wanted to gain everyone’s approval around me, but more than most- I wanted my mother’s approval. I think this relates to the quote because I need her affection to let me know she approves of what I’m doing. I don’t mean physical affection, but affection in her voice and body language. She is so easy to read, and I can tell when I’ve disappointed her, or have done something she doesn’t agree with.
I don’t know why I need her approval. I always tell myself I don’t care what she thinks, but I really do. This morning I was realizing if I surrendered myself to her, she would run my life and make all my decisions for me gladly.
I am eighteen. I really need to start living for something, something I care about. Not to make her happy. So many times I’ve stopped myself from doing something I really wanted to do because I knew my mother would think it was silly.
I remember while when I was growing up, she basically hand-picked my friends for me. Told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with. I hate to think of what I’ve missed out on by constantly obeying her. And I know there are times when mother really does know best, but what about those times when she was looking out for her best interest and not mine?
I always wonder how she would react if I told her one day I was moving to Sudan to be a missionary and am taking my tie-dye wearing hippie of a boyfriend with me. I will never find out, because I doubt I’ll ever be able to do something she is strongly against.
The good news from all of this is she has loosened up a lot over the years. According to my sister, who says she was not this relaxed when she was going through high school and college.
I hate the fact that I’ll end up resenting her most of my adult life because of how much I feel she has held me back in life. When really I should resent myself because I am the one who allowed her to have the control over me she has.
I thinking when I finish college maybe I’ll move farther away than she’d like. Possibly Oregon, maybe Portland. It would be fun to live in a bigger city, yet I am still close enough she can stalk me down when she feels the need.
I don’t know these are all thoughts.