I found this letter the other day that I wrote to one of my really good guy friends before I left for college, it’s quite interesting, take a look:
I wanted to write you a letter for many reasons. I can feel everything around me changing and moving faster and faster and it scares me. Before I go to school, I want there to be at least one person that knows everything about me. While I’m 7 hours away from home I want to know that someone knows who I am. I’m going to a place where no one knows me. And all I keep thinking is what if I change? What if I end up not being me? I feel like you are the person that is the closest to knowing me that well. Yet, there are still things you don’t know. Like, I hate cuddling sometimes… sometimes I just don’t want to be close to anyone. And it’s not the fact I don’t like the person, I just don’t want to cuddle. And sometimes I don’t want to hang out. Sometimes I’d rather stay at home and cuddle with my cats instead. Sometimes I like being mad, and I just want to be mad. I’ve always wanted to just say, “Okay mom see ya later” and not tell her where I’m going. Or go somewhere all alone and just sit there to think. I’ve never done that before because someone in my house always has known where I was. I really hated the part of high school where everyone judged each other. I mean sure I did too—I’m only human. But my friends—some of them were the worst. And it kills me that someone could spend millions of dollars on a boat when that money could go towards something so much better. For everyone. I always get really excited to go to California every year but then once I’m down there I remember how much I hate some of the things about it. Like how artificial everything is.
I don’t like being the one to say “sorry” in every fight. Yet with every relationship I am in, or even friendships- I’m always the one to say it. Even when I don’t believe my own words. I really don’t like feeling judged. Especially on the surface.
I really like to lie in the grass and watch clouds go by. I never do it though. I should do it more often. I like to drive, for the most part. My worst fear is my wind shield wipers not going fast enough for the down poor, or one of them just flying off. I know going to college should feel like life is finally beginning but it feels more to me life is being put on hold while I do these 6 years of jumping through hoops to “become” something. I’m afraid that because I have the biggest ideas about love, I’ll never find it. Nothing will ever come to me. I’ll be living alone, in my house, with probably 5 or more cats. Doomed to eating dinners alone, and watching Oprah after work. And if that’s how my life is supposed to work out, I guess I’m fine with it. There’s not much I can do. Lately… I don’t like my mom very much. And I think it’s because she’s going through the “change” at the same time I am. But she just makes me feel really bad about being me sometimes. And she doesn’t even understand me. Which is probably really cliché, and what every “teen” says. But she doesn’t. I don’t think she would take the time to try to. And she has so many expectations for me that I’ve realized I’ve come to fear them. Because I don’t want to disappoint a woman that doesn’t know me. She’ll always be family, and my mom, therefore I’ll always love her. But I don’t have to like her right now, and maybe once I leave it will bring us closer, but for now I feel my self distancing myself from her. I don’t like shaving my legs… I generally don’t unless I have to. Which is probably really gross. But what’s the point? Plus it takes so much time. I’d rather not. I don’t like telling someone about a movie I love just to hear them say, “Oh I saw that, it’s so stupid”. I don’t want to hear that about a movie I liked enough to tell you about. Honestly.I don’t like arguments. That’s why I think I get mad, go away from the situation and then start over without ever mentioning what made me mad. I’ve read about those people who get mad over every little thing, and let you know. And then I’ve read about those people that get mad but keep it in until one day when they blow. What if I become that person?? The person that has a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store because they can’t find the right brand of butter. I really DON’T like cheerleading. Or any of the activities I did in high school. I think it’s because they were forced. They weren’t things I was interested in and decided to join. They were things that my mom talked me into doing because it would “look good” on a transcript. That is one of the things I am looking forward to in college, I already got in, now I can do whatever I want. I can be involved in whatever I want. I don’t HAVE to do key club. Or any other “club” if I don’t want. I can’t help but love gossip magazines. Which really contradicts everything I’ve said in this letter. Because they’re everything I should hate. But I can’t help myself. I just have to look through them. Despite the fact that they’re probably lying about most of the things in them, I love them regardless.I think I could go on forever and you probably know that. Some of these things you probably knew already, but I just started typing and couldn’t stop. There are so many things I’m going to miss when I go off to school and some things I’m not going to miss. We’ve said over and over how weird it is that our relationship has bloomed really in a distorted way. Or I guess irregular compared to the usual way people get to know each other. I imagine our friendship to be the same way it is now. Because we talk online or through text and see each other once in a blue moon, when I got to school it’ll be talking online and seeing each other when I come home from school for breaks. I just really hope the “distance” doesn’t interfere, though it’s been there all along, but now is made more “real” with land. I want to know you forever.
If it’s impossible let me know, because I do get my hopes up.